I had a rough night last nite.  So I was suppose to go to work today but to my misfortune I ended up sleeping over at the dorms since I couldn't get home.  Chase and I decided to take a long hours walk to get to the dorms.  Greg was nice enough to meet us half way.  Although I could have taken a cab, I decided to walk to UH.  Just so that Chase and I could have a long talk.  Since I was up anyhows, I decided to just relax and enjoy the rest of the night since it was so horrible.  But all is well.  I'm searching for an unending happiness.  I hope that Jay will find it.  But most of all, I hope I will find it.  I am not mad.  I give up on being upset.  But I am more hurt from the past.  I devoted a lot of time into the relationship and now I think I must truly let go.  It's not bad.  But I must accept the fate that it was really not working out.  That life between both of us was only getting worse.  Now he is on his own path in search of his happiness.  I only wish the best to come out of this.  *sighs*  ok, off to bed agains.  I have a migraine again and I don't have my medicine to take care of it.  *sighs*

*blows a kiss*

Current Mood:  Migrained Out!

Current Song:  DNH - It's Over

Hi everyone.  =)  Well today turned out to be a good day after all.  After yesterdays mess at work.  Dammit, that customer pissed me off and aggitated my headache even more.  So what did Wende do?  She went home early.  Stupid *bleep*!  Why people gotta be all angry and shet..It was over a stupid choker that wasn't worth the cost.  GET A LIFE!  Ok my rant is done...lets move to happier things.

So I woke up this morning around 6am so i could start on the homework that was due today.  So sad.  I had to read the last couple chapters of Jerzy Kosinski's, "The Painted Bird."  Luckily, I finished the book.  The overall rating of the book is that it is well worth reading.  The images and sybolisms that the author uses are by far astonishing.  I enjoyed every moment of the story.  Not to say the least that I also was able to pick up a noteworthy paragraph.  It sort of captivated my mind and sent me into a contemplation.  It made me think of my lover..and how he looks upon honor....

---

"I suddenly understood a good deal of what one of the soldiers had said in a discussion with him. Human being, he said, is a proud name. Man carries in himself his own private war, which he has to wage, win or lose, himself—his own justice, which is his alone to administer."

"A man, no matter how popular and admired, lives mainly with himself. If he is not at peace with himself, if he is harassed by something he did not do but should have done to preserve his own image of himself, he is like the ‘unhappy Demon, spirit of exile, gliding high above the sinful world.’" Jerzy Kosinsky, The Painted Bird

So I guess I understand a little more of where he comes from now.  Intriguing. haha...Well that was my contemplation for the day.  I guess I'll catch you all laters.  Nite nite!

Current Mood:  HOT HOT HOT! 

Current Song:  Westlife - Dreams Come True

Dreams are there to show you the way
(Better take a look inside)
Close your eyes find out what they're trying to say
(You gotta take a look inside)

Only for a minute
Just to make a start
Imagine what you wanna see

Wake him up the wizard
Sleeping in your heart
Just imagine what you wanna be
Don't you know that...

(Chorus)
Dreams come true they do
Dreams come true
From all of us to all of you they do

Don't you know that dreams come true
Love is just a second away
(Better take a look inside)
Make that magic rule, let the miracle stay
(You gotta take a look inside)

I had the most absurd customer at work today not to mention the migraine that I was suffering through.  *sighs*  I think I am just having a lot of stress lately. 

Okie...here Wende Lady goes...

I once had a heart.  It unfolded itself on a dark blanket in the night.  Then one day, a comet came through and shattered my heart into a million falling stars.  To my disappointment, I let each piece go.  Now here I stand, day after day, night after night, I search for each piece to fit back into the big puzzle that I now call life. 

This is my reality, this is my fate.  I miss the innocence that I once had in my life.  There once was a time in my life where I was young and sweet.  Lately, I've learned how to become a ..so to speak...bitchie type of person.  A witty person.  A sassy mouth!  I guess once you learn that life is nothing but pain, you sort of rebel upon it.  I learned it the hard way.  My first boyfriend showered me with love and affection.  He protected me from the bad side of life.  After he left for the mainland, my whole world fell apart and I had to learn how to get with life on my own.  Without him there holding my hand and protecting me.  After I learned how cruel the world was, how horrible some guys are, I completely turned my life around and made it a point to tell myself that before I ever get hurt again, that I would be one step ahead of the game.  No doubt I did accomplish that much.  But I learned how to become stingie and selfish.  I learned how it felt, for the first time, to be dealing with being in love.  Love, in reality, really hurts.  Thats the truth of it.  Love is such a strong emotion and it hurts a lot.  I can't say that the people that I have been with, didn't teach me anything.  They taught me a lot about myself.  About how much I could take, about what I wanted, about who I wanted to become.  Thats the reality that I live with. 

Present Day:  Although I cannot say that I suffer from a lot of pain..I have to say that I am definately in love.  I yearn for each new day with my baby boi.  I wait for the day that we will be married.  I wait for the day that I change my last name and I become his wife forever.  I wait for eternity.  I've never experienced love as to where I can look into his eyes and see paradise.  Where I look deep into his soul and I feel the tears of happiness build up in my eyes.  My happiness blocks the bad things in my life.  It keeps me doing good.  It helps to push me and make me do good in school.  Because he's given me purpose to experience the happier side to my life.  He's given me back my happiness.  He's picked up my falling stars and built a wall around it so it can never be lost or forgotten.  He's wrapped my heart in a soft blanket and he treats it like china in his hands.  Thats all i've ever searched for.  thats all i've ever asked for. 

Current Song:  TLC - Red Light Special

Current Mood:  Bloated and I'm suffering from a Migraine... *sighs*  O=(        

*sighs*  Ok.  So now it's a new evening.  I'm happy.  I was listening to the radio and I heard that there is a show coming to town called "Hello Broadway".  It sounds exciting and I can't wait to go. 

I think today I wanna just relax and not think about things to write..so i'll leave ya with a song that catches my ear at the moment....*Muahs*

"I Wanna Be Free" - Marc Anthony

All my life
I've followed signs
On many a road

Tried to find
What was right
And do what I'm told

But sometimes
You cross the line
And never can go back home

I've been here
And I've been there
Always on the go

Looking for
Something more
To call my own

Up to now
I have found
That life as a whole was cold

'Cause I've never belonged

[Chorus:]
I wanna be free
And live without warning
I wanna finally see
What it's like on the other side
I wanna be free
'Cause a new day is dawning
I wanna be me
I wanna show the world I'm alive

Who's to say
I need change
And I am not what I'm not

Look at me
And what you see
Has been through alot

Now it's time
For me to find
What love's really all about
And all that I've lived without
*chorus 2x*

*blows a kiss* -ciao

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother caring.  People instill so much faith in me, and because i'm the selfish person that I am...people get mad at me for not caring.  *whoopee*  I really don't know what to say now.  So i read on someones page that I wasnt there for him when he needed.  He's suppose to be my best friend, but i wasn't there cause i was tired after work.  So now all i am is a big ball of disappointment.  What else is new in Wende's life?  I know that I've accomplished a lot.  With the help of late night chit chats to Greg about math, I'm finally somewhat remembering the fun side to math.  Chase use to be a great tutor, but he's been busy the past few months.  So I rely on Greg.  Thanks to him I got a good grade on a math quiz.  Hopefully I am able to continue on with a good streak for math quizzes.  But getting back to the subject, yah I know that I am capable of achieving a lot.  But sometimes people hold me down and they put a cloud in the way to the stars. *sighs* 

You know besides the long hours, I love work.  It's almost a place where I can escape from the troubles of my daily life.  I don't have much time to think of all my problems because I am constantly doing something at work.  I guess I can just escape and think of a new way of showing an exuberant personality to people who will meet you for the first time and probably never see you again.  I'm turning into a workaholic just because I encounter more problems and set backs when I'm out of work.  I guess the pressure is being put on me because I am making a great effort into getting GREAT grades this semester. 

So then comes the next part of life..how do you tell people that you can't exactly spend "quality time" with them when you absolutely have no life?  Yah thats been my greatest boggle lately.  Everyone wants a piece of my time and I can't devote sh3t to them.  *sighs*  My schedule consists of going to school, going to work, studying, and I barely have time to just enjoy a day at home.  I don't think i've encountered such a day to just relax and breathe.  Without being set with a proposition to do something. It's not like I wouldn't like to spend time with them, it's just that I would like to get certain things done also.  When I have free time, I want to use that time to study efficiently so that I understand the full concept of what I am being taught.  So what is exactly right?  What do I give up?  What do I do?  Whom do I turn to?  Do people even know that I suffer from these conflicts?  Is it not apparent in my eyes that I am extremely exhausted?  What I wouldn't do to have a day to spend with everyone that wants my time.  What I wouldn't do to spend my time with the person who needs me the most?!  It's not like I don't care..it's more like I am searching for the time.  But hey..no one cares if I am trying to search for a medium in my life.  No one cares if I am trying to search for a day where it wont conflict with how tired I am, and how I have school or work or even my studies.  People think I don't contemplate of how I am not there for them...Do people realize that I take into consideration these things?  Do they realize that I am trying.  But I guess that my attempt is not good enough.  I guess I'm the one to blame anyways.  *sighs* 

Look at me now..*frizzing out*  *sighs*  I guess I'm off to read Madame Bovary for my lit. class.  Since I don't even want to think about this anymore.  I'll go and have no life again and get my studies done.  God knows I have lots of it.  *sighs* 

*looks out the window*  

*Star light, Star bright...first star I see tonight...I wish I may, I wish I might...Have this wish I wish tonight*  

*whispers*  I wish I could have the time to devote to everyone that needs me..especially the person who needs me the most and especially to make sure I can balance school. 

*Current Mood: Confused So Much/Disappointment